Thursday, April 2, 2020

My Covid-19 Journal

Today we decided to get out of the house for a bit and walk some trails. We even brought the girls with us because they probably need out of the house too!! It was so lovely getting out. Even just riding in the car as a family felt like a treat. We decided to go to Crystal Bridges simply so we could push Wells in the stroller. The boys had such a good time exploring and we basically had the place to ourselves. It was so beautiful with all of the spring flowers and trees blooming. It was definitely the dose of medicine we all needed.
I've talked to several people who have said they are keeping a journal throughout this pandemic and I actually thought that was a really good idea. This is such an crazy time in our world and I never imagined myself living during a pandemic. I have honestly thought our world was way too advanced in medicine to ever experience anything like this. This is definitely something we will be telling our grand kids about some day. I thought I would write a little here about how Covid-19 has affected me so far.
-On Friday, March 13, Campbell brought home a laptop from school + supplies from his teacher that he would need for learning. I thought we would use it for a week, have the next week off for spring break, then go back to life as normal. Had I known that, that Friday was going to be his last day at school, I would have treated that day so very differently. It was just a regular ol' Friday. After he got home from school, he learned to ride a bike. Since we were outside learning to ride a bike, we passed by and talked to a lot of neighbors who had told me how crazy Walmart was and that everyone was in there panicking and buying food. It made me nervous so I went to the store too--and it was jam packed like I've never seen before.

-Church was canceled that Sunday for the first time and that whole rest of the week I was completely overwhelmed. Campbell's school work was SO MUCH. My workload suddenly increased dramatically. I had no idea how hands on I would have to be with him. He needed me there 100% of the time to read the instructions and navigate the computer for him. He actually impressed me with how well he knew how to work the laptop but he still needed me there the entire time. The school work took us about 4 hours each day which was so hard to manage while also trying to take care of a 3 year old and 13 month old. I also felt so ignorant because I struggled to work Google Classroom and it was just an overall stressful, overwhelming week. Thankfully our teacher told us we didn't have to do any work on Friday which was such a welcomed blessing. Later on we received an email from the principal saying they had heard feedback from so many people expressing how challenging the school workload was and they promised after spring break it would be less.

-Spring break came and it was such a relief considering how stressful the previous week had been. Life didn't feel a whole lot different besides the fact that we couldn't go anywhere. Campbell's birthday was that week and we celebrated him at home with just the five of us.

-Spring break felt nice and relaxing but my anxiety about Covid-19 was drastically rising. I never consider myself to be an anxious person but I have felt anxiety all over my body--shortness of breath, achy and tight all in my shoulders and back, headache, and a deep weight on my chest. I'm still not certain what exactly it is that is making me so nervous but I've narrowed it down to two things. 1.) I think I'm scared of getting the virus because I've heard how absolutely horrific it makes you feel. The part about you not being able to breath is what scares me the most. I'm not really anxious about my kids getting it since apparently from the ages of 1-14 the virus simply presents itself as a cough. I do stress about both Scott and I getting it at the same time and not knowing what to do with the kids because I wouldn't want to expose our parents to it since they are all more high risk because of age and/or some underlying medical conditions. 2.) My anxiety is high simply because of the disruption of life and having no idea when all of this will come to an end. I'm sad over the loss of so many things (not getting to celebrate Campbell's birthday the way we wanted, not getting to go to church for Easter, Campbell not going back to school, Bennett not having a birthday party, etc) and also just not getting to do and enjoy life.

-Week 3, because of my anxiety increasingly growing, I decided I had to limit the amount of news I was watching. It helped some, but not much. I ended up getting some anti-anxiety medicine to cut the cycle. One pill was all I needed and I've been so much better ever since. I also decided to not leave the house. My house feels safe for me and going anywhere, even if I'm social distancing and/or being careful to keep my hands clean and not touch my face, makes me anxious. I decided to just stop going places where I would have any interaction with anyone. I did really miss Chick Fil A because I hadn't had a tea in almost two weeks (I usually have one almost every day!!) so I decided to do CFA curbside. When they brought out my order, I cracked my window just barely, opened my tailgate and asked them to put it way back in my car. Ha! I lysoled and wiped everything down before bringing it inside my house. Campbell's school work has been significantly easier on me this week which has also helped my anxiety. The work has been a lot different this week to where he doesn't need me 1:1 quite as much. I can get him set up, walk away to do a task, then come back a little bit later to help him move onto the next assignment. The workload has also been cut in half. Campbell's teacher informed us that we wouldn't have any work to do on Fridays and we could use it as a catch up day if we needed which was such a fantastic thing to hear. Homeschooling is not my calling and I am glad I only have to do it 4 days a week now. However, I've most definitely figured out how to operate Google Classroom now and I don't feel like such an idiot anymore. Ha!

-Today I heard through the grapevine that Campbell will not be going back to school this year. It hasn't been officially announced but I heard it from a very reliable source. My heart sunk. The news isn't exactly surprising to me but I had hoped we would get the chance to resume the year, even if it was just for two weeks. If I let myself think about it too long it would most definitely make me cry. I am so, so sad that we aren't going back. Sad for Campbell that he won't get to be with his friends and his amazing teacher ever again, and also sad for me that I have to keep up this homeschooling gig until the end of May. But mostly just sad that Campbell's kindergarten year is over just like that.

-We will see what next week brings. It seems like it's all changing every few days. These are strange times to be living in. Even when I was watching all of this happening in China, I truly never in a million years thought it would come here to the US. I am praying daily for a miracle. For healing, for wisdom for our top leaders who are in charge of taking care of this mess, for our healthcare workers, for my family and friends to stay healthy, for a medicine or vaccine to cure this and for us to find a solution to the problem very quickly. I'm praying the curve flattens and goes down sooner than predicted and I pray that, when the day comes where we are all coming together again, it won't backfire and put us right back where we started. I pray this doesn't flare up again in the fall and I pray that this mess goes away sooooo much sooner, than later. Praying is all I can do to help right now. Praying, and staying home.

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