Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sad As Ever

Writing is therapeutic right? For me at least. This week has been rough so I'm hoping writing will help.
I am so unbelievably sick of living 5 hours away from my husband. We've officially reached 9 months now. It's getting unbearable these days. I literally cry everyday. It makes me so sad to wake up in bed alone. Or drive home from work knowing I'm coming home to nobody. Or sit on my couch and eat dinner by myself. Or watch TV snuggled with a blanket...all alone. I'm married...my life isn't supposed to be like this. It's so sad. I've been telling my family and friends that I was close to a nervous breakdown and I believe it happened on Sunday. Scott and I had to leave church in the middle of the service because I was crying so hard. I cried all day long on Sunday. Not little tears streaming down my face but whaling as Scott held me in his arms. I can't take it anymore.
This is all so hard to understand. I'm so angry and bitter and I don't understand why God would allow this to happen. It was so hard to sit in church and listen to how wonderful God is and how great his mercy is when he's dragging me through the mud here. What do we do?? I don't like Memphis. I'm miserable there. I don't want to move back especially now that I have a really amazing career. What's Scott supposed to do? Quit his job during the worst economy ever? That seems pretty stupid. What am I gonna do? Quite my job, move to Memphis and do what? Not hair...there's no good salons in Memphis to work at. And you know the second I quite my job someone in NWA will call Scott and let him know he's gotten a job. And just the thought of getting a moving truck and moving again makes me sick. So what then? Keep living apart? Come our 1 year anniversary still not know what it's like to live together?
I feel so sad. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have been so negative to living in Memphis. I hated it so badly I just hopped up and moved leaving Scott behind. What a terrible time I choose to do that. Worst economy ever! I had no idea it would be like this. If I had known I would have been going on 9 months of being apart from My Everything I would have most certainly never moved.
I also feel so sad for Scott. He's living with a co-worker he barely knows. He doesn't even have cable in his room so he can't escape away to just chill and watch TV. He doesn't really have any friends in Memphis. I feel bad because Scott is seriously a rockstar as far as work goes. His resume is amazing. No 25 year old can come close. His looks more like a 35 year old resume. Anyone that reads it is like....WOW! He's a hard worker and every employers dream employee. There's just one problem he's having. There's seriously no jobs available. Literally. None. He looks (I've started to also) every day for a job to pop up at some vendor. NOTHING. Notta. It sucks.
I'm so frustrated and angry. I've become frustrated at God and I've never in my life been angry at God. Why is he doing this to us? People tell me to pray. Not to sound like a huge heathen but why? It's doing no good. Scott's mom called Scott last week and apparently he sounded so depressed to her, she hung up the phone and cried all night long. It's just sad. Just flat out sad. No one should have to be apart from the person they love. Imagine being away from your husband or wife for 9 months. Six of that being the first 6 months of your marriage. What a miserable way to start life together.
Scott called me tonight and I just almost can't even talk to him on the phone anymore without crying. It's so sad to me that I have to talk to my husband on the phone at night and say good-night and I love you through a cell phone. It's getting so bad these days that the thought of knowing I have to communicate to Scott over a phone makes me cry. I can't take this anymore. I really really can't............

No comments:

Post a Comment