Grieving.

It's been a while huh? I'm having a hard time blogging these days. Usually I have a precious little girl to write about. Even though I have a wonderful new home now, it doesn't seem to give me pleasure to blog about it like Holly did. I'm going to be honest, I'm having a VERY hard time grieving my little girl. It's been really, really bad. I cry every single day. Yesterday was my worst day. I cried like I've NEVER cried before. Scott called my parents. It was awful. I've been prescribed some medicine. It helps me when I'm having a moment. I can take it and a few minutes later it calms me down. I'm not typically a medicine kind of girl. I usually just wait it out. I'm very grateful to have this medicine right now though. I don't know if I could make it without it.
I'm sure some people reading this think I'm crazy. They probably think to themselves "it was just a dog." Actually no. It wasn't. Her name is Holly and she is my baby and I lost her and I am devastated. I feel like a piece of me is missing. A piece of me IS missing. It used to be okay for me to look at photos of her. Now it kills me. My body aches for Holly.
Yesterday I had a complete slip up. I was buying some shoes and the girl checking me out said that mothers got $10 off their purchase and wanted to know if I was a mother. I told her that I wasn't and then she said, but do you have a dog? I immediately, without thinking, proudly declared "I do have a dog!!" Two seconds later my heart dropped to the floor when I realized that the automatic reaction I've had for the last 15 1/2 years was wrong. I have no idea what happened after that except I walked out of there with my new shoes and tears pouring out of my eyes. The rest of my day snowballed out of control.
It's been just as bad as I predicted it would be. I've always dreaded this time in my life because I knew it would be awful. Absolutely awful.
I'm having a really hard time knowing how to grieve. I feel like I should lay in bed and sleep all day, every day, for the rest of my life. I feel like if I move on and have a happy moment that it's disrespectful to Holly. I feel like if I laugh, or smile, or have a split second of happiness that it's wrong and I'm betraying Holly. It feels like I didn't truly love her if for even one second my heart can know joy again. I know in my head that thinking that way isn't right. But my heart tells me differently. I guess I don't know how to move on. Moving on makes me feel like....I'm moving on from her. I don't want to move on from Holly. I want her to consume my life and my heart and my thoughts forever and ever. I never want her memory to fade. I never want to forget how she felt in my arms, how good she smelled after a bath, how cozy she was when we took a nap together, how cute her face was when she asked for a treat, how sweet her kisses on my nose were and how her precious little eyes told me how much she loved me every time she looked at me.
I'd give anything, anything to have her back. I miss her more than anyone could possibly imagine. I just wish someone would give her back to me. Even if it was just in my dreams.