Sunday, April 22, 2012

Forever Reign

Scott and I went to church today. I say that like it's not typical but I don't mean it that way. We go every week. I asked Scott if we could skip out last Sunday though because I knew it would be hard for me.
We got home from being in Little Rock last Saturday night and it was horrible. For both of us. Scott left home in such a hurry when I called him early that Wednesday morning to tell him about Holly so we came back home to normalcy. Her puppy pad still out, her food and water bowl still full, her toys was hard. And so crushing. I knew I couldn't go to church the next day so we laid in bed all Sunday long in this sad and empty house.
I knew church would be hard. I knew worshiping in the place where I usually feel such peace, hope and love would make me depressed. I don't feel peace, hope or love right now. I feel sad, lonely, empty, depressed, sorrow, grief, anxiety, pain, loss, and despair.
I woke up this morning dreading going but knew it was what I had to do. I prayed for Hosea 6:1 to repeat in my head over and over. "Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us. He has injured us but he will bind up our wounds."
We got there and all seemed fairly normal. But then the worship started and I felt my emotions stirring up. I never feel more closer to God than when I worship him with music. I knew the worship would be hard for me. Suddenly the praise band started singing Forever Reign and I came crashing down.

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

will always be enough.

Throughout those lines I cried different tears. I feel like I'm running into the Lords arms for comfort and help right now. Then I sing to him that the riches of his love will always be enough. God has shown his love for me so clearly through Holly. Holly was a gift from Him. He gave her to me and she is one of the greatest blessings I've ever received in my life. God knew how much she would capture my heart. That I would adore Holly and love her to a level I've never known. He knew when he formed me that he would bless me with my precious Holly when I was just 12 years old and that she would stay in my life for 15 1/2 amazing years.
Holly was such a blessing. A way of God showing his great love for me. I love him for loving me so much that he would give me Holly.
Of course I had to excuse myself from church. The crying hasn't stopped and I don't know when it will. I'm starting to redefine my new normal and life is going on. It has to. But it doesn't mean that every second, of every day, I don't think about my sweet baby. The little girl who's face I miss so much. I long for that face. I long for her. I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts.

No comments:

Post a Comment