Monday, April 16, 2012

Life Today

Hi all. How was everyone's weekend? Mine was miserable, obviously. Life in general is miserable for me right now but that's just how it's going to be for a while. The hardest time is nighttime. Our evenings revolved around Holly. She was mine and Scott's entertainment. Our house is so depressing. It's so quiet, so's very clear someone is missing. My heart literally hurts.
About two months ago I wrote a post about having a weird day but at the time didn't feel like talking about what made it that way. What happened that day caused me to go to the ER. I had felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest was heavy, my left arm was numb, my shoulders and jaw were achy. I experienced it all day and finally got scared enough to go to the hospital. Scott and I walked into the ER, I told them my symptoms and .48 seconds later I was hooked up to all types of heart monitors. They kept me there to watch me for 2 hours and it turned out that I was having an anxiety attack. When the doctor asked me what was causing so much stress in my life that my body would react like that, I sobbed and told him about Holly. I have feared this moment in my life so much and it physically broke me a few weeks ago. I told him that Holly was my life and that I knew I would lose her soon and I literally couldn't take it. He was so sweet to me and completely understood. He made me take 4 (yes FOUR) Xanax, prescribed me some anti-anxiety medicine and sent me on my way.
It's just horrible. Today especially was hard. My heart hurt and I now know that I'm experiencing an anxiety attack when that happens. It's just so, so sad and I can't believe this is happening. I miss Holly so much and I can't even imagine how I'll feel as the days, weeks, and months go on. I have zero doubt in my mind that she's in Heaven. I know she is. I keep asking Jesus to please take such good care of her. Holly is an explorer so I know she's sniffing every single inch of Heaven right now. It's going to take her so long to complete her sniffing so maybe by the time she's done I'll be there. I told her before I said goodbye that I wanted her to be the very first to greet me at the pearly gates. I can't wait to see my sweet Holly again. I love that little girl so, so much.

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