Monday, January 21, 2019

Final Countdown

My due date is officially less than a month away. I can't believe it! This pregnancy has gone by so, so fast. I know I've said that a million times already but I just can't get over how fast it went. The last few weeks have seemed to go by at a normal pace. I think because, for the first time this entire pregnancy, I've actually had time to focus on this baby and get everything in order for his arrival. Up until this last month though, life has just been so busy with my photography then the holidays that it all went by so fast.
I had just found out I was pregnant in this photo. Not showing yet, obviously, but it didn't take long for that to happen! Finding out that I was pregnant with this little guy seems like it happened 5 minutes ago. I could not believe it and was in a daze all day. And so, so scared to tell Scott. So funny now, looking back on it. He immediately got excited, after the initial shock of it all. We waited until I was past my first trimester to tell the boys and I got it all on video. Campbell was so excited and started telling everyone "my mommy has a baby in her tummy." Which is exactly why we waited so long to tell them because I knew Campbell would be so proud to share the news!
This first trimester was officially my hardest of my three pregnancies, no doubt. I tried so hard to keep the nausea at bay by exercising, trying all the prescription medicines, and any remedy that's suggested. Me + first trimesters just do not agree with one another. And by first trimester I mean the first 16 weeks. It hits me at week 7 and then it immediately goes downhill after that. It's been the exact same with every single one of my pregnancies. This one was just the hardest. The nausea seemed worse and the lack of energy was awful. My OB told me it usually gets worse with each pregnancy and that was definitely the case for me. While I was in the thick of it I just knew that I was never capable of doing it again. Not that we planned on it anyway, but I really can't put myself through it again. I can't even put into words how awful it is for me.
Overall, this pregnancy has been no different than my other two. I don't know if that's because they've all been the same gender or if that even makes a difference. I will never know! My belly definitely grew faster and quicker this time. My OB assured me that by the end, it would all even out and I'd be the same size I was the last two times and she was right! Even just a month ago I thought I was so big and I was measuring ahead which I have never done. But now I'm not measuring ahead and I'm just the same size as I was with Campbell and Bennett at this point.
We have decided on a name now! Since we've waited so long to choose it though, we're just going to wait until he's born to tell everyone what it is. I've had his middle name picked out for pretty much this whole pregnancy. I went back and forth on if I wanted it to be his first name. I prayed and prayed for a name to be revealed to me in a way that made me know that's what his name should be. I had a moment in my bible study where someone suggested a name. It's a name I had considered really, really early on but then dropped it because I wasn't sure if I liked it. But when she said the name, it's like the Lord was saying "this is what it is." So I texted it to Scott and he said "I've always liked that name but I thought we gave up on it a long time ago." We still kept our options open but in the back of my mind I felt that was his name. I would like to see his little face before I say it's for sure but I'm 99.9% certain we have a name for our little man.
I really, really don't think I have much longer to be pregnant. I predict him to come sometime in the next 10 days. Yesterday morning as I was walking into church I felt him drop down. He is low now. Low, low. I was sensing a lot of changes all day long yesterday. And I've been having contractions every single day for several days now. I never did that with Campbell and Bennett....or at least I don't remember doing it. This delivery is either going to be really easy since I'm already feeling contractions like I'm in labor, or really awful....since I'm already feeling contractions like I'm in labor!! A few people have asked me about my "birth plan" and I never really have one. I just go to the hospital and hope for the best! Ha. However, I am planning on not getting an epidural this time. My other two times I always said I would go and just see how I felt before deciding. With Campbell I got to a 7 then started getting scared (even though I wasn't in any pain at all yet) so I got one. With Bennett I felt like the nurses were really pressuring me to get one so by the time I got to a 9 I caved and did it. However, it didn't take so I felt every bit of it. The anesthesiologist came to my room the next day to apologize for it not working but I didn't care because it honestly was not bad at all. For about 15 minutes right before I pushed I literally felt like I was on fire BUT I was okay and I'm so glad I was able to truly experience what it feels like to be in labor and deliver a baby without meds. So since I've experienced it before and know I can handle it, I'm planning on telling the nurses right away that I don't want an epidural. Now if this labor is different than my others and I'm miserable, I'm going to get one. If it ends up being the same as my others though, I know I can do it! We'll just have to wait and see!!
Scott asked me over the weekend if, since I'm so certain I'm going to go early again, if I'll be so upset if I go close to my due date. I didn't even hesitate to say no!! I would LOVE to be pregnant for another month. I'm getting so sad about my last days of ever being pregnant again. I told Scott it's a weird feeling, knowing you for sure are never having another. When I was pregnant with Bennett I thought there was a possibility that we could have another so my pregnancy with him didn't feel so final. Now that I know for sure I will never be pregnant again, it's a sad chapter for me to close. I have really enjoyed being pregnant....well, besides my first trimester. I've been pregnant three times in the last five years and I have truly loved every bit of it. Sure, my back hurts and I always have terrible indigestion. It's hard to get around, your body does weird things, and laying in bed makes you feel like a beached whale. BUT, all of that pales in comparison and every hard thing about pregnancy fades when you consider the fact that you are growing life inside of you. Watching my belly grow and feeling a baby move is without question the most incredible experience of my life. I have never taken this blessing for granted and I am truly so thankful I have been able to do this. I will miss this chapter in life for sure.
However, what's waiting in the near future is even better. It's so exciting, knowing you're about to meet someone that you love so much your heart can hardly stand it. I look at Campbell and Bennett now and remember my pregnancies with them. I look back on photos of me when I'm pregnant with them and I think "you knew it was going to be great and your love for them would be beyond anything you could put into words but it's been that times a million." Watching my boys grow has been the greatest joy of my life. I have never been happier than I have been these last five years and I know this little guy is just going to add to that happiness. I love being a mommy and I'm living out my dream. While I'm soaking up these last few days of him being on the inside, I just can't wait to see him on the outside. I can't wait to see what he looks like and what he'll be like. How he'll be different or similar to his brothers and what our life will be like as a family of five. I'm not scared of the soon to be chaos or hard moments. I know it's fleeting. I just want to have all of my boys (all four of them!) together and me have a moment where I take a look at them and think to myself "life couldn't possibly be better than this."

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