Thursday, May 31, 2012


I've finally found a solution to the bright beaming sunlight that wakes me up every morning at 6 am. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. I have some temporary curtains hanging in my bedroom right now and they are better than no curtains but it's still way too bright in the morning. Plus, we have a door in our bedroom that leads to our porch outside and I don't know how I'll ever find a solution to that. It's not like you can put a curtain over a door. This room is just going to be brighter than any bedrooms I've lived in and it's time to come to terms with it. However, I'm not going to accept it. I will find a way to have a dark bedroom.
The first few days it took some getting used to wearing it but today I didn't wake up until I heard Scott leaving for work and when I took the mask off I was so confused and thought Scott left every single light on. My eyes could not get adjusted to the brightness. You honestly can't imagine how bright our room is.
This picture cracks me up. It's so hard to get a picture of the two together. I made them sit and Ivy is like 'okay I'm ready for my treat!!" and Madison is saying "let's play!! I wanna play!!!!"

I had a revelation today. That these puppies aren't Holly. I will never have one that's Holly and I will love no one like I love Holly. Holly is my perfect, precious baby who I long for so badly. I can't compare and I can't keep hoping this is just a bad dream that I'll wake up from. I wouldn't say I'm to the acceptance stage of grieving but I'm getting there--maybe. Tomorrow could be totally different. I could quite possibly get institutionalized tomorrow. I'm honestly surprised that hasn't happened yet.

I woke up with a new love for these girls today. They are SO sweet. They have been exceptionally good girls the last 2 days. Maybe we're finally getting settled in and finding a routine. It's 8:30 pm and we have officially had no accidents on the floor today!!!!!! Why don't you join me and bust out the champagne to celebrate! So proud. I've been working extra hard on it the last two days. Even if it meant getting dressed in the laundry room--and eating my lunch in the laundry room--or hanging out in the laundry room for 40 minutes--dang it these girls were gonna pee on the pad. And get an exceptionally yummy treat because of it.
Could someone please tell me how these two already know how to beg for food? And why they have to look so stinking cute while doing it? I don't know how I resist but I do----for now anyways.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

You Say Tomato....

Today was productive. I had lunch with Jaclyn at McAlisters (duh) and ran a few house errands. They're never ending.

I ended up having to make a phone call to the IO Metro home offices here in my own little corner in the world. I've been extremely frustrated with them the last few weeks. Scott and I ordered a bed from them 11 weeks ago today. We were told it would take 4-6 weeks to get it in. It's obviously been too long. I've expressed my irritation to the girl I've been working with (who I love and is great and it's totally not her fault) last week. But I decided I needed to take it a few levels higher. I talked to a guy who was so nice and responded exactly how he should have. He agreed that 11 weeks was ridiculous and way too long and totally understood why I was exceptionally irritated. He looked into it for me and said my bed actually came in last week but it came without pieces. They're going to see if the company they ordered it from can send the rest. If not they'll have to re-order. I told him I would have to take a different direction if that's what I end up having to do. I cannot trust this company to deliver a new bed in "4-6 weeks." He understood and promised to keep me updated. It's beyond irritating. I'm sick of looking at mattresses on my floor and I can't decorate my bedroom without a bed. I'm over it.

Tonight we cooked a lovely meal and used tomatoes from my own little garden on my back porch!For the first time in my life I've planted a little vegetable and herb garden! I did Roma and Cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, plus cilantro, thyme, parsley, rosemary and chives. It's so fun! My cherry tomatoes were finally ready to eat tonight and they were so yummy! I felt so proud of myself that I was able to grow something that I could actually eat! After dinner Scott and I hung out on our back porch and listened to music. We're obsessed with the speakers we had installed. We used to be TV people but we get Pandora on our television now and we always have it going. It's so nice! I love Pandora. I've had the app on my iPhone for a long time now but I forget about it. I just love listening to music while we prep dinner, eat, and hang after. It feels grown-up!These two must have read my blog because they've been extra sweet good girls today. We only had 2 poo poo and 2 tinkle accidents in the house today! I know that seems like a lot but compared to the average 489 it's a good number. I nearly lived in the laundry room with them today. I always know when they should go potty. After a nap, food, water, etc. Anytime they did any of those things we sat in the laundry room until they did their business.
I feel bad about how I felt about them yesterday. I was having a really hard Holly day and was just very frustrated. It's challenging having a new dog when you're so used to the perfect one that you had for over 15 years. The expectations are just too high because Holly was (seriously) beyond perfect. I called my Mom late last night and just cried and cried. I want Holly back so badly. Death of a loved one is cruel. A piece of me is gone and I honestly don't think my heart will ever be the same. It will always have a huge hole in it. I love Holly like I don't think most people can comprehend. I've got tears pouring out of my eyes right now just typing this. I miss her so much. Life aches right now.
But also as I type this I have two tiny little 2 pound girls snoozing right next to me and they are so precious. Looking at their faces brings a smile to my face. Madison and Ivy are so stinking cute. They know I'm their Momma and they love me. It feels good to know two little babies could so quickly get attached to me. They deserve so much love and they will, of course, get it 10 fold. I'm going to be better about my expectations. After all, they're only 9 weeks and 6 days old. They have so much to learn!! They're babies. And one day I'll miss when my girls were babies.
PS: Notice anything?
Ivy. Always Ivy. Madison is like 'ehh, whatever.' Ivy worries herself sick when she's away from me. Whenever I go get them in the morning Madison is sitting in the bed awake but casually hanging. Ivy is always sitting right at the baby gate like 'I'm ready!!' So cute these two. Having two is fun. A lot more work--but fun! :)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Life With Puppies

Today I treated myself to a little mani/pedi. I'm somewhat addicted especially in the summertime. I like to go once a week but sometimes I feel like being cheap and go every other or just do it myself. It always looks so much better when they do it though. However, I have noticed when I do it myself the polish doesn't chip nearly as fast. I've seen them put some stuff in the polish to try and make it last longer so I've decided that's why my own mani/pedi stays put better. So today I decided to take my own polish and see if it makes a difference. I bought some new colors at the Beauty Supply and headed to the salon to relax and indulge. I had them do my fingers first because they always do it after the pedi and I always leave messing it up 2 minutes later. Why do they do the pedi first? Makes no sense to me.
I left today with perfect, non messed up nails and I'm beyond obsessed with the color I chose for my toes.
Normally I would never show a picture of my feet because I could win an award for how ugly they are but the polish is so pretty so I decided to humble myself a little bit and share! It's called Mod About You by OPI. Do you love it as much as I do?
I also went to the eye doctor today. Every summer I have a problem with my eyes. Any time I go to the lake or the beach or lay out by the pool my eyes start stinging and pour out gobs of water. It happened yesterday and I don't want to deal with that all summer so I called today and they squeezed me in. I love my eye doctor. He's the brother-in-law of one of my Sigma Chi buddies. He, just like last summer, said there's nothing wrong with my eyes. He has no clue what it could be but said he'd call around and ask some other doctors if they have an idea. He gave me some drops to put in before I get in the sun to see if that helps. We'll see. I want to get it figured out because it's miserable!!!!

I've had the girls a week now and they're doing good. I've officially taught them how to sit and they always do it. I sometimes have to say it more than once but they've pretty much learned what that word means. This week we're going to work on stay. I started it today and they picked it up pretty fast. Obviously we're not 100% with it yet but I'm trying to be diligent and make sure they're well trained and know a lot of words.
This one is a mess. I had her pegged 10 minutes in and called her my crazy girl. She's not hyper--neither of them are--but she....I don't know. She instigates fights with Ivy and Ivy doesn't like it. Or maybe it's not fights. Maybe it's just playing. I've never had two before so I don't know. They bite at each other and growl and bark and it raises my blood pressure. I prefer them to fight over toys. Anytime they start nipping at each other I grab a toy and encourage them to play with that instead. It's just not sweet and not very lady like. I think if Madison was on her own she'd be sweet and just happily play with her toys. I've been tempted today to ship her off to Gamma's house. Don't get me wrong, she's precious--just look at that face--and so cuddly and calm when Ivy is sleeping but put her in a room with Ivy and oh my goodness. She's also a barker. She loves to bark. That stresses me out too. I'm not used to barking dogs. How can I get her to not bark? Mom says she's just more playful. I guess that's probably correct but I prefer the ones that act 87.
Ivy is precious. She's so sweet and acts 87. Ha! She's always so happy to see me and wants me to hold her for at least 10 minutes when I come home. Ivy, like Holly, LOVES treats. She's better at training and I think it's just because she loves treats more than Madison. Ivy is my little crier. When I put her in their room or shut them out of mine she stands there and cries. Sometimes she loses me in the house and will cry. She so sensitive! She's so much like Holly it's crazy. She just wants to be there and lay in your lap and give you kisses and eat lots of treats. Ivy is my chewer though. 3 of my coffee table books are destroyed and it's all thanks to her. Holly never chewed anything ever. Chewing is annoying.
Both girls do well with potty training when they're shut off in the laundry room. They always go on the puppy pad when they're contained in there. But get them out and they pee everywhere. I feel a little postpartum with the accidents all over the house. I'm so sick of it and think I may go crazy one of these days. When I think they may need to go I put them in the laundry room and stand there for 10 minutes and they just look at me. Or I take them outside and they just play in the grass and get all stinky. I'm trying to be really patient but it's hard. Dr Bob warned me that life would be chaotic for a few months. Yes. Yes. Yes.
They're precious and I adore them but it's definitely an adjustment. Especially when you're used to your perfect puppy that you had for 15 years who never did any of the bad things these girls do. I don't want to talk bad about them all the time because they really are so sweet and everyone always compliments how calm and well behaved they are especially for puppies. But these are my feelings and I'm sharing them. I'm sure I'll look back on this post in 5 years and laugh. But for now, I'm not laughing. I'm sighing and say "no no" more times a day than I have ever in my life!!!
Anyone with two care to give advice or perspective? Shoot me an email!!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Birthday/Memorial Weekend

Hey all!! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been busy and chaotic!
I had a great birthday on Friday! I'm officially in my late twenties. It's crazy how time flies. It feels like last year I was celebrating my 16th birthday. Or my 21st. My day wasn't spent doing anything real interesting. Mom, Scott and I had lunch at the Pinnacle gas station. I love their soup and salad bar. Mom and I went to Fayetteville to hunt for house stuff--it wasn't too successful. It's funny how the older you get, the less important birthdays seem. Just another day!! It used to feel like a special day. Not anymore. Sigh...
Later in the evening though, I threw a little housewarming/it just so happens to be my birthday too party. A lot of my friends came--we had good food and good wine--it was a lot of fun!
Mom and Dad spent the weekend with us. We went to Crystal Bridges which was fantastic. I'm embarrassed to say it was my first time and it's so crazy to me how many people were there and that such an amazing place is in my own backyard. I'm sometimes a NWA snob. This little northwest corner of Arkansas is amazing. We house such great stuff!!!! I'm very proud to live here. I have no desire to live anywhere else. Except maybe NYC. Or LA...or Chicago....or Paris or Venice....
Other than Crystal Bridges we laid around all lazy like and cooked yummy meals. It was great! Mom and Dad left yesterday after a good lunch at Fish City Grill. Dad loves eating there. We always eat there when he's here.
Today Scott and I checked out our neighborhood pool for the first time. We loved it! We live in such a great neighborhood. I'm totally going to take advantage of the pool this summer. It's nearly in my backyard...just a hop, skip and jump away!!
That's all for my memorial weekend I guess. It was very chill and spent with loved ones. Which is always perfection in my book.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 3

Hello! I can't believe it's Wednesday. This week has flown by. Last night the girls did great again. They didn't cry! After the first 2 hours they had been here I got the sense they knew they were home. Of course it helps that they have each other.

Both of them are perfectly content. We have a routine in the morning. Scott's alarm goes off and I pop up instantly to check on them. They're always laying in the bed together but always awake. I bring them to our bed where they play for about 20 minutes then fall back asleep until about 10:30. I think they sleep more than Holly did in her last few months. When I lived on PetMD, for Hol, I'd read where puppies sleep as much as seniors. So I'm not worried. I'm sure that seems so obvious but I'm not smart when it comes to puppies. Come to me with a question about adult dogs and I'll always have the answer. Puppies--zero knowledge! Well not zero. I think I'm a good 4 legged Momma. It's the whole mothers intuition thing I guess. Plus the fact that my 15 1/2 year old taught me A LOT! Miss her...

I gave the girls their first treat today. It was from Holly's old treat jar (couldn't bring myself to throw the treats out) so who knows if it was fresh or not. Regardless, they found it incredibly yummy. I gave them both one of those mini milk bones. Holly always liked those.

I took the girls out today for the first time since I've had them. They, like Hol, are super girly. After 5 minutes they were bored. This photo is of Madison.

Ivy discovered her reflection in my mirrored nightstands today. She stood there for the longest time. I could tell she knew it was her. She's my smartie.

Ivy again. She poses better than Madison.
Madison is infatuated with the television. The first day I had them I flipped on the TV and she was instantly intrigued! Today I turned on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse just to see what she would do and she sat on the sofa and watched an entire episode. How funny is that!

Mom came up today to meet them and she's so in love! And they love her too! They're like "she so much like my Momma but she just looks different."
That's another thing. I can't decide if I want to be Momma or Kara. I love that Holly knew my name. I guess I should technically be Momma to them though. Who knows! I'll probably go with Momma even though it feels weird to be Momma!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

First Night

Our first night with the girls went really great. They never cried! It made me so happy. I got them out of my laundry room around 7 this morning and put them in bed with me. They crashed there until about 10. The impression I got from them was that they had never been more comfortable in their entire young lives!
We visited Scott's co-workers today. They insisted we come see them! After that I dropped the girls at home and ran some errands. I figured they needed to nap anyway and that's easier to do when I'm not around.
This evening Jaclyn & Brad came over to see Ivy & Madison. I want the girls to be very comfortable around them. They may have to babysit one day!
Everything today was about the same as yesterday. Ivy is still my observer and follower and Madison is my little snuggle puppy. They are so precious but I've had a very hard Holly day. A day worthy of taking some medicine. I don't know why. I guess it's true what people say--Some days are fine, others are great and some are horrible. I just had to get out of the house. Then about 4 hours later I started feeling bad for my puppies and felt like it was time for their momma to come home. So I did. And how happy they always are to see me will never not make me smile.
I'm SO ready for my Mom to get here. She's staying for the week. I'm so homesick for her right now. It's just the situation. If there's anyone who could totally 100% get my heart right now, it's my Mom. She's beyond excited to meet Ivy and Madison and I'm SO ready for her to meet them too!! She's had a tough Holly day today as well.....Anyway, Im ready for her to get here.
Time to put the girls to bed. They sleep A LOT. Almost as much as Holly did in her older age. They're asleep on the sofa now but I need to get them all settled in their room (aka-laundry room). They snuggle up in their bed together and snooze--It's so sweet!! Night folks.

Monday, May 21, 2012


A stork visited me today. He brought me twin girls. Say hello to Ivy and Madison!

I'm sure this comes as a shock. Since I lost Holly everyone has recommended I get another almost immediately. Dr Bob, Gail (Holly's groomer) and others who loved their baby as much as I do mine have said getting puppies helps the healing more than anything else can. I debated for a long time. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt like I would be betraying Holly to get another--ever. So much of me wanted to have Holly and only Holly for the rest of my life. But I love dogs so much I just couldn't imagine not ever having another again. I honestly thought I would be the type who was like 'I'm never doing this again.' But (obviously) I very quickly got why people have to get another almost immediately.
Scott and I have always said we would do the same breed as Holly so we started searching and he found these two just a little over a week ago. The fact that they were ready to come home so soon scared me a little. It just seemed so quick. But I loved these faces and colors more than any others I had seen. I made a phone call to Iowa to ask if they were still available and they both were. I went back and forth for days but ended up making the call that I wanted them. We picked them up at the airport this morning at 11:10. I was a nervous wreck about flying them. When we got them they were both in the back of the crate like "I'm very confused." Ivy (right) was shaking and I was just ready to get them home. When we got here Madison was like "okay, I'm good with this" and Ivy was still like "I'm not real sure." An hour later both girls quickly adapted, realized I'm their new Momma and settled completely in.
Exactly a week ago, when I purchased the girls, I booked a doctor appointment for them. I called Dr. Bob and we talked for a long time. I told him what I was doing and wanted him to recommend a vet clinic for me up here. Unfortunately I just have bad memories with Holly's old doctor. I really like her but I truly believe if Holly had been constantly under Dr Bob's care she'd still be here. I know she was 15 1/2 but still. There's just some hurt there with that clinic. He researched and recommended Faithful Friends--which I've always heard good things about--Dr. Moore in particular.
So today at 3 we went to see Dr. Moore! I just wanted to make sure everything was okay and thankfully everything was perfect. Then Dr. Moore wanted to know about Holly. I told her all about my precious perfect baby and just broke down and sobbed. And she started crying with me!
Then Dr. Moore told me that she's seen people like me a lot throughout her years as a vet. People, like me, who love their dogs to the moon and above--more than the average person. And that when they loose them they are beyond devastated. Then they come in about 2 months later with two of the same breed and always the same sex. HA! It made me laugh. She was so sweet and let me sob to her about Holly and not make me feel guilty like "you have two new precious can you even think of being any emotion but excited right now?" She made me feel like it was 100% okay to be sobbing over Holly...while I was there with 2 new puppies. I appreciated that. I still miss Holly and I want her back. I loved that she got that. I loved that she shed tears with me.
She wanted to know about Holly mostly because she wanted to know what type of Momma I am and how I raise dogs. I told her Holly taught me some things that I won't be carrying on (sleeping in the bed with me) and that she set the bar way way way way way way way way way way too high for these little ones. I feel bad for them. They have a lot to live up to....unfortunately for them!!
I know I'll fall madly in love with these cuties....I already can't stand the cuteness! They're precious. Even though as we speak both of them are pulling on my sock--so not Holly, even at their age. Whatever. My Dad has already told me I can't compare--trying not to!!

My assessment so far:
Ivy is Holly 2.0. She was scared at first but after an hour gained some trust and follows me everywhere I go. She quickly learned I'm her Momma. She's the alpha of the girls. They were playing tug-a-war earlier and Ivy won (she always wins) and she went and hid the toy so Madison wouldn't find it. Such a Holly move. She thinks she's the princess, the only important person in the room but very timid, not very trusting and a little dominate. Hello Holly! I already like you the most. If things continue down this path, I will very easily predict the type of dog Ivy will be.
Madison was happy from the first second. She walked in the house and was like 'okay this is where I live now.' She is happy and totally chill. She doesn't follow my every step like Ivy does but any time I sit down on the floor she runs and hops in my lap. Actually she's in my lap right now. She's really sweet. Sweeter than Ivy probably. I think she will be my girl who never meets a stranger and "strangers" will probably fall in love with her the most.
Of course all of this could change. Who knows what they'll be like a year from now. It will be interesting to see how their personalities develop.

If I had to predict I'd say Ivy will be the smarter one. Ivy reminds me so much of Holly. I'm anxious to see if she stays that way. Having two is interesting! They've pottied all over my house today. Luckily it's literally like, quarter size. Ivy is 2.1 pounds and Madison is 2.2 pounds!! I'm not going to really bother with potty training for the next few days. I just want them to get adjusted. The entire bottom floor of my house is hardwood (except for my bedroom, which they aren't allowed in) so cleaning up really isn't a big deal. I'm going to do puppy pads just like I did with Hol. I debated but decided I like it best for me. It allows me a lot of freedom. It's annoying having the pad in your house but the pro's out way the cons for me and Scott agrees.

New puppies is so exciting! I'd lie if I didn't say today was extremely bittersweet. These puppies are so precious. I haven't been around puppies in SO long and I treasure this time since I know it doesn't last long. However, it makes me miss Holly so, so much. I look at her pictures in my house and have to turn away. It's so crazy to me that I'm here at this point in my life. If I could set my own rules Holly would be around forever. But I know that these precious little girls will bring me so much joy and I'm looking forward to my future with them. Life for the next few months will be very interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing what this blog will entail just as much as (I hope) you are!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Vacation Saturday

This weekend fills like a little mini vacation which I desperately needed. My parents best friends, the Gobers, let Scott & I crash their lake condo in Hot Springs. It's so nice to be able to stay here instead of worrying about driving back and forth to Little Rock. They stayed in El Do this weekend so we have the place to ourselves and seriously, it feels like a vacation. We decided to be touristy today so we went to downtown Hot Springs to hang out.

We really didn't have anything to do so we walked around and popped into the local shops and it was fun. Scott isn't as familiar with Hot Springs as I am and he really enjoyed getting to know the city a little better.

We ate a fantastic lunch at Rolandos. We shared this plate which was kind of a little bit of everything on the menu and man was it good!! Scott thinks its the best quesadilla he's ever had. I may have to agree. Plus they presented it pretty--always a bonus.

After a little more browsing and a huge glass bottle of Mountain Valley Water (love that water) later, we headed back to the condo where we watched Harry Potter and took a snooze.
Now Scott is getting ready for the wedding tonight and I'm sitting here blogging from my phone where this is the exact view while I do this.


Friday, May 18, 2012


Happy Birthday to my favorite! I love you babe! I hope 28 is your best year yet.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I have been running around all day long today. I don't know if I'm ever going to get this house decorated! It's taking forever. I'm being very particular about everything I buy. I want it to be perfect and not buy just whatever can fill up the space. Today I worked on my nightstands. I found some awesome lamps and got my side all fixed up. Scott's side is almost fixed up. It has definitely made our bedroom look a little more pleasant.
I have guests staying with me this weekend so I'm wanting to get my house as nice looking as I can. It's just my parents, grandparents and uncle but still! Unfortunately I won't even be here while they're here. I'm swapping houses with Mom & Dad this weekend. Scott is a groomsmen in a wedding in Hot Springs & my parents have to work up here. We talked about staying in Hot Springs but since moving is so dang expensive we need to be cheap. So driving back and forth in the company car it is!
Sidetrack: I just had a moment where I thought I saw a grey hair! It wasn't one though. Whew! Anyone else my age getting those yet? I guess most of you don't know because you probably color your hair. Scott has them above his ears. He got them about a month after he started his first job in Memphis. I guess his work is stressful. Well, obviously!
Speaking of Scott, his birthday is on Friday and I have no idea what to get him. He's hard to buy for. He doesn't really have any hobbies and any time I buy him clothes he always returns them. So rude. Ha! I'm open for any kind of suggestions.
We'll be spending his birthday at a rehearsal dinner. It's kind of nice because the wedding is one of his SAE buddies so I'm sure he'll get to see a lot of people he hasn't seen in a while.
Hmmm....m'kay I guess I've run out of nonsense to talk about today. Until tomorrow!

Monday, May 14, 2012

House Stuff

Shall we talk new house? We really haven't discussed it much huh? All is going fairly well. We moved in on April 27 but didn't sleep here until April 28. Everything has been a very slow process which has been frustrating. For a week the only furniture in here was a sofa, 3 barstools and a mattress on our master bedroom floor. The upstairs is now almost complete except for the bonus/theater room. It is a hot mess full of "there's not a spot to put this stuff yet" stuff. Everything is slowly starting to find a home.
It's never taken me so long to move in and get settled. I guess over the years you just accumulate more stuff. Even though I'm not one to hoard and am quick to get rid of anything that's not been used for a year.
That's another problem--hoarding. Scott hoards paper. Bills, taxes, bank statements...apparently we must keep them all for 5 years. It's been a nightmare. I've taken over bill payments now and (obviously) I need it all organized. It was previously in a big mess all thrown together. I've created a very organized file cabinet and let me tell ya, it's taken hours to get organized. We've (Scott) filled
up 2 trash bags of unnecessary paperwork. It's ridiculous. I'm the kinda gal who doesn't want one thing in her guests closets for those 3 times a year a guest actually stays at the house. Unnecessary clutter drives me crazy!! We have to keep every receipt, bank statement, bill, tax crap and now, a gozillion warranty papers for our new appliances...just in case. My OCD organizationess does not appreciate the clutter of these unnecessary documents taking up my space. I'm a throw the bill away once you pay it kinda gal. My husband would keep it all for the next 50 years "just in case." I'm working on this....
Sometime this week we should finally get our bed. I'm beyond ready. Not having my bed means I can't decorate my bedroom. If I don't have my bedroom somewhat decorated this week I will go insane. I want to cry when I wake up every morning--at the crack of down--when the sun comes up. That's when I wake up. The butt crack of dawn. Because I don't have curtains and the sun beams through. I literally want to cry. I don't nap in the sun unless I'm on a beach and a solid 4 Miami Vices are in my system. I hate it. Hate! I never say hate but I hate my bedroom right now. Please oh please let my bed arrive this week.
I have gotten a few spots perfected. I've filled a few frames with my doodlebug. Holly visited our house once and I'm so glad I took 2 photos of her in it. I've framed both.

This one of her in front of our fireplace is in an adorable new frame in my kitchen.

And this one was taken in my bedroom and I've put it in a pretty frame where it's resting perfectly on my nightstand. The pictures make me sad right now but I'm SO glad I took them of Hol in my new house. They're a treasure.
I'm sure some people are tired of reading about my sadness but that's just where I am. This blog has always been about my life and this is my life--it's really sad right now. It is getting easier but I still cry every day. I miss my sweet baby girl so, so much. My new normal is beginning to feel more normal. It's still hard though. I love Holly SO much. I still can't believe this is happening even though it's been over a month. Grieving is hard. I've never really done it. I've lost a child.
But I'm healing. Life picks up. It gets better everyday. But it doesn't mean you don't still hurt. You'll always hurt. Hurting is okay though. It's just a way of your heart reminding you how crazy in love you were with the one you lost.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

My Mom

For my wonderful mother.
My best friend, my caretaker, and my greatest confidant. My favorite person to laugh with and the easiest person to cry to. The one who loves me to the greatest level and who I equally love as well. The one I get homesick for, wish I could eat lunch with every day, and still want to take care of me when I'm sick.....or heartbroken. The person who was born to be a mother--because she's so wonderful at it. I love you Mom!

Thursday, May 10, 2012


I had such a fun night tonight! The girls in my neighborhood got together at Ruth's Chris this evening and they invited me to join them! I thought that was so nice that they included me. I ended up having a lovely time getting to know everyone! I think we've moved into a great neighborhood. Everyone is so friendly and has introduced's been really nice. We didn't know anyone in our previous neighborhood and I've always wanted to live in a place where neighbors felt like friends and you could depend on them if you needed to. I think I've finally found that neighborhood!

I planted some Peony's this year. Aren't they pretty!? I've never done Peony's before but I love them.
That's all I have for the day. It felt like a very wasteful day. Serfco came and most of my day was spent waiting on them. They said they'd be here between 12:00-2:00. He finally showed up at 3:00. So annoying. I literally sat twiddling my thumbs. And can I just say that any kind of handyman coming to my house while I'm here alone makes me SUPER uncomfortable? I'm sure they're all so nice, great husbands and wonderful fathers but it stresses me out to be home alone with a stranger in my house. I know that sounds mean to say. What if someone was scared of my Dad or husband? That would make me feel sad. I can't help it though. I'm overly paranoid. I told Scott today I will no longer put myself in that vulnerable position. It gives me anxiety and I feel VERY rude because I always sit outside when they come--just in case. Too much Oprah watching is the real problem. You can never be too careful though!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Gladiolus & Hydrangeas

I spent my entire day working on my yard outside. I'm worn out! I have a feeling I'm going to be really sore tomorrow.
I planted about 100 Gladiolus and I'm already so anxious for them to bloom!! I love Gladiolus but I've never had them before. I put them all together in a special little bed and I think they will be so gorgeous. Plus, they multiply over the years. That makes me happy because I'll eventually be able to cut them and enjoy them inside as well. Obviously, I'm very excited.
I also did a Hydrangea bed today. I had my lawn guy, Arnoldo, build it for me. He knocked it out in about an hour. It probably would have taken me two days. Worth it. Something about having a craftsman style home makes me think that I should have Hydrangeas. It looks so great!

Definitely an improvement.

That's how my day was spent. I love to garden but today was exhausting. I'm ready to kick back and relax for the rest of my evening now.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Dear Diary,

I want to write about my new house and post pictures and share inspiration ideas but I have no desire. I only want to talk about how much I miss Holly. It's gotten worse. I know I've said that many times but it's the truth. I got in bed today and slept for hours. And that's against my rules. I never climb in my bed unless I've just washed my face, showered, and cleaned up. Blankets are what I take naps with. I didn't care today. I just wanted to cover myself in my big bed.
I feel myself slipping into depression and I don't want to go there. I know death is a part of life--And my girl had a beautiful one. I realize how so very lucky I am that Holly ran the natural course of life that we all hope to have. Nothing tragic happened to her. She lived a long, beautiful, perfect life and that is such a blessing for me, my family and for Holly. It doesn't make it any easier though. I just want her back. Life feels incomplete without Holly. I've NEVER been so sad.
I worry about my health right now. My heart always hurts. Literally. My chest feels heavy and I want to claw at it. I don't know what to do though. I have medicine but it makes me sleepy and useless for the day. I want something to make it go away. What could ever make this go away though?

"There is love of course. And then there's life, it's enemy."--Jean Anouilh

Monday, May 7, 2012


It's been a while huh? I'm having a hard time blogging these days. Usually I have a precious little girl to write about. Even though I have a wonderful new home now, it doesn't seem to give me pleasure to blog about it like Holly did. I'm going to be honest, I'm having a VERY hard time grieving my little girl. It's been really, really bad. I cry every single day. Yesterday was my worst day. I cried like I've NEVER cried before. Scott called my parents. It was awful. I've been prescribed some medicine. It helps me when I'm having a moment. I can take it and a few minutes later it calms me down. I'm not typically a medicine kind of girl. I usually just wait it out. I'm very grateful to have this medicine right now though. I don't know if I could make it without it.
I'm sure some people reading this think I'm crazy. They probably think to themselves "it was just a dog." Actually no. It wasn't. Her name is Holly and she is my baby and I lost her and I am devastated. I feel like a piece of me is missing. A piece of me IS missing. It used to be okay for me to look at photos of her. Now it kills me. My body aches for Holly.
Yesterday I had a complete slip up. I was buying some shoes and the girl checking me out said that mothers got $10 off their purchase and wanted to know if I was a mother. I told her that I wasn't and then she said, but do you have a dog? I immediately, without thinking, proudly declared "I do have a dog!!" Two seconds later my heart dropped to the floor when I realized that the automatic reaction I've had for the last 15 1/2 years was wrong. I have no idea what happened after that except I walked out of there with my new shoes and tears pouring out of my eyes. The rest of my day snowballed out of control.
It's been just as bad as I predicted it would be. I've always dreaded this time in my life because I knew it would be awful. Absolutely awful.
I'm having a really hard time knowing how to grieve. I feel like I should lay in bed and sleep all day, every day, for the rest of my life. I feel like if I move on and have a happy moment that it's disrespectful to Holly. I feel like if I laugh, or smile, or have a split second of happiness that it's wrong and I'm betraying Holly. It feels like I didn't truly love her if for even one second my heart can know joy again. I know in my head that thinking that way isn't right. But my heart tells me differently. I guess I don't know how to move on. Moving on makes me feel like....I'm moving on from her. I don't want to move on from Holly. I want her to consume my life and my heart and my thoughts forever and ever. I never want her memory to fade. I never want to forget how she felt in my arms, how good she smelled after a bath, how cozy she was when we took a nap together, how cute her face was when she asked for a treat, how sweet her kisses on my nose were and how her precious little eyes told me how much she loved me every time she looked at me.
I'd give anything, anything to have her back. I miss her more than anyone could possibly imagine. I just wish someone would give her back to me. Even if it was just in my dreams.